Live-Blogging Eating Some Jelly Babies

So, a while back, Monique was in San Francisco and bought me a box of Jelly Babies, something I'm obviously obsessed with because of Doctor Who. I've never had them and only vaguely knew what they were--some kind of gummy treat--and so, I figured I'd finally try them...

4:01 PM: They're a way bigger than you'd expect and they have this like, white, dusty residue on them. They're also British so my guess is they will taste really awful.

4:02 PM: I had to get a knife to open the package. It's one of those bullshit-ass packages that's kind of what cereal's in and it's caked in this white dust.

4:03 PM: Flashbacks to being like five years old and trying some weird-ass food I've never had before and already anticipating gagging or something.

4:04 PM: They're greasy and shiny, and kinda desiccated feeling, like a big bug that's been dead in the basement for a while. When you bite into them it's like all the air pushes out of them or something. Weird for sure, but not bad. This one was a brown-orange. I have no idea what it tastes like.

4:05 PM: Tried a black/purple one and it was vaguely berry-like. I don't think I'll ever get used to the way they just sorta crumble and crunch up and melt in your mouth...but not in a sexy, delightful M & Ms "melts in your mouth, not in your hand" way at all.

4:06 PM: Looking at the ingredients: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Water, Gelatin, Citric Acid, Artificial Flavors, Corn Starch, Red 40, Yellow 5, Blue 1. Kinda explains this dry sugary taste...there's no preservatives!

4:07 PM: Fucked-up story: My grandmother told me how they used to sell these chocolate-dipped gummy baby things at the corner candy store when she was growing up (I'm remembering this story no doubt because what she described were closer to Jelly Babies than say, Gummy as we know it) and they were sold in the candy shop as "Little Nigger Babies". Yep.

4:07 PM: Second go around on the black/purple ones, which are much closer to a turd brown really. These sorta hurt the back of my throat. The brown-orange ones are better.

4:08 PM: These brown/green ones are maybe the best. Vaguely Lime. Closer to Lime-scented floor cleaner than Lime but they work. Also: They're less babies than like some weird disproportioned man-baby. Jelly Man-Babies. Jelly Mongoloid Man-Baby Babies.

4:08 PM: I totally couldn't snack on these for too long, which is a good thing. 3-5 of them is good enough. Maybe that's why the Doctor's always trying to pawn them off on other people, he's got too many!

4:10 PM: Really can't get over the consistency, this dusty, crumbly, berry-flavored gelatin shit but it kinda rules too...no stomach aches, no OD-ing on sweetness, just like vaguely tasty, kinda drab sweets.